Questions to ask before you commit
Not getting-to-know-you questions. The ones that surface the disagreements which otherwise appear after the contract, when leaving has become expensive.
What breaks a marriage is rarely a hidden flaw in one person. It is two expectations that were never spoken, because each assumed theirs was obvious.
These are questions to ask before an engagement is settled — after the families know each other, and before withdrawing becomes painful. Ask them in a call or in person, with whoever is present, not in written messages.
About daily life
- Where will we live? City, country, with family or independently. This is the single most common source of early conflict.
- If one of us had to move for work, what then?
- Describe an ordinary day. Not a holiday. An ordinary one.
- What is your view on a wife working? And if that is acceptable, is it still acceptable after children? The answers to those two questions differ far more often than people expect.
About money
- Who runs the household budget, and how?
- Do you have debts? Obligations to your parents? This is an entirely legitimate question, and discomfort at being asked is itself informative.
- What do you expect regarding the dowry and the wedding? Give figures. "Something modest" means two completely different things to two families.
About family
- How present will your parents be in our home? A weekly visit? Living together? A say in decisions?
- If I disagree with your mother, what do you expect to happen? A heavy question, and the answer reveals a great deal.
- What do you contribute financially to your family, and will that change?
About faith
- How would you describe your practice, concretely? Not in general terms: prayer, fasting, how you handle money.
- What do you expect of my practice? And do you expect it to change after marriage? Betting that the other person will change later is a common way to end up disappointed.
- How do you want to raise children in this respect?
About children
- Do you want children? When? How many?
- If conception is delayed, what is your position? A painful question, and far better asked before than met afterwards.
- Who does the practical caring in the first years?
About the past
- Have you been married before? If so, what ended it, in your own words?
- Do you have children, and what is your arrangement with them?
- Is there anything you know I would rather hear now than later? An open question whose value is often in the pause that follows.
About health
- Is there a chronic or inherited condition in your family?
- Will you do the premarital medical screening? It is compulsory in many countries, and sensible everywhere else.
How to ask
Not all at once, and not as an interrogation. Spread them across meetings and start with the lighter ones. Answer every question you ask, with the same honesty you are hoping for.
And pay attention to how things are answered rather than only to what is said. A repeatedly vague answer, visible irritation at being asked, or a constant deflection into humour — those are answers too.
The rule underneath all of it
One difficult question before the engagement is cheaper than a difficult year after it.